my ex has a blog that he started in february. this blog, he claims, is to chronicle his life experiences, apparently both the good and the bad. so far its a lot of text about technology and DJ'ing and what a horrible person i am (mixed in with fact, fiction and speculation) with some dashes about our son thrown in as asides. that he loves his son i don't doubt for a second.
but i stopped reading it.
i made the conscious choice not to read it because i can't see it serving any other purpose than to stir the fire, cause shit, create ill-will and argue his side of the story. which is he entitled to do. writing - i'll be the first to admit - is cathartic, empowering and helpful in sorting out emotions, events and chronically a person's point of view about the events they feel in and out of control regarding their personal life. still, given a choice, i choose not to read it.
there are some people who are close to me that found it and have begun to read it. while i'm trying to stay clear of it, they keep emailing me tidbits, which brings it to my attention.
there are some things that i feel compelled to clear up.
1. my ex is the father of my son, speaking ill of him to me is not something i will ever be okay with. i understand you are trying to show me your support, but it has the opposite effect on me. it makes me angry with you because it provokes me to defend him. not a position i ever want to be put in.
2. i don't care what he is writing about. he can write whatever he desires and i will always know the truth of what happened, what is happening and what (hopefully) will happen. my friends and family have and will continue to stand by my side.
3. i am not angry. i am indifferent. his posts - the ones i get forwarded - make me feel bad for him, not mad at him, just sorry that he is still stuck on hating me. they make me sad that he thinks other people actually care what happens in our stupid little fights. who cares? honestly, who really cares?
4. i do not hate my ex. i do not love my ex. at one point in time i did love him and then i did hate him. right now, its neither. it would be nice if he went away forever, but since he won't, i'll have to settle with hoping he'll calm down. either way, i feel nothing about him because he is nothing to me.
i fully, completely and publicly abjure my ex and any emotional hold he had on me.
please don't send me his blog entries, or email me your opinions or thoughts on anything he writes. help me forgive and forget by leaving well enough alone. let him have his blog and his posts and his feelings. whatever helps him move on is good. if this helps him move on then i am happy for it.
but i stopped reading it.
i made the conscious choice not to read it because i can't see it serving any other purpose than to stir the fire, cause shit, create ill-will and argue his side of the story. which is he entitled to do. writing - i'll be the first to admit - is cathartic, empowering and helpful in sorting out emotions, events and chronically a person's point of view about the events they feel in and out of control regarding their personal life. still, given a choice, i choose not to read it.
there are some people who are close to me that found it and have begun to read it. while i'm trying to stay clear of it, they keep emailing me tidbits, which brings it to my attention.
there are some things that i feel compelled to clear up.
1. my ex is the father of my son, speaking ill of him to me is not something i will ever be okay with. i understand you are trying to show me your support, but it has the opposite effect on me. it makes me angry with you because it provokes me to defend him. not a position i ever want to be put in.
2. i don't care what he is writing about. he can write whatever he desires and i will always know the truth of what happened, what is happening and what (hopefully) will happen. my friends and family have and will continue to stand by my side.
3. i am not angry. i am indifferent. his posts - the ones i get forwarded - make me feel bad for him, not mad at him, just sorry that he is still stuck on hating me. they make me sad that he thinks other people actually care what happens in our stupid little fights. who cares? honestly, who really cares?
4. i do not hate my ex. i do not love my ex. at one point in time i did love him and then i did hate him. right now, its neither. it would be nice if he went away forever, but since he won't, i'll have to settle with hoping he'll calm down. either way, i feel nothing about him because he is nothing to me.
i fully, completely and publicly abjure my ex and any emotional hold he had on me.
please don't send me his blog entries, or email me your opinions or thoughts on anything he writes. help me forgive and forget by leaving well enough alone. let him have his blog and his posts and his feelings. whatever helps him move on is good. if this helps him move on then i am happy for it.
8 fabulous comments, click to add yours!:
OMG that would be annoying if people kept dragging you back into his world through his blog. That's retarded.
Damn girl...that is shitty. That being said I feel the exact same way you do about my ex. I didn't realize why it pissed me off when people talked shit about him but, it's because it forces me to DEFEND him and that totally blows!!! I like to now think about him so I can imagine how hard it would be to avoid a blog like that. Your friends need to cut it out too...blech!
I will admit that I used to stalk a couple of my ex-boyfriends's myspace pages out of morbid curiousity. I think I was hoping that they'd mention me and how I somehow made them want to be better or whatever. No such luck. I don't care anymore and haven't done it in years but it can be tempting. You're stronger than I am!
merry see, that's the thing exactly! i don't want to read his blog but when i get comments from friends or family i'm sort of forced to read it - to get his side of the story, then i have to go and defend either him or myself by filling in the gaps.
lolly it is VERY difficult not to check it every day and sometimes a couple of times a day. its frustrating because in doing so i'm giving him exactly the sort of attention he craves. which is - in part - why i did this blog post. i NEED to stop looking at it. its not healthy for me to be reading how much someone hates me. i am hoping by posting this that i'll somehow find the strength to ignore it from now on.
I applaud you for being the better person. I'm not sure I could cut myself from it completely, but he (nor anyone else) would never know I was reading it. I tip my hat to you, you're stonger than I. And hang in there, the more filth and hate he spreads, the more people will see it for the pettiness it really is.
thanks carrie your support means a lot. when push comes to shove, i'm just trying to keep my opinions private. he is liam's dad and i shudder to think of the day liam finds his dad's blog riddled with horrible comments about me. i'm his mom. doesn't that deserve some measure of respect? not in his world...
oh well, at least i go to bed at night knowing i'm not polluting the internet with festering emotional garbage
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