i love the new blog

Don't me wrong, I love this blog and I will always love TFOC, but the new blog is the only place I can say what I want in peace. Its like freedom 55 at 31. Its the only place I can say exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and going through. Fuck it. I love it and I don't care who knows. 

this time a year ago

Catherinette gave me the great idea to check out what I was doing this time last year.

Today last year.

Three important things to note:
1. I was still breastfeeding.
2. I was desperate for sleep.
3. I was 100% certain the Baby Whisperer's teachings could save my life. She did.

Yesterday last year.

This is also the 1-year anniversary of Liam's turning 7 months (does that even make sense? .. just keep reading and ignore me).

Liam had just learned how to sit up. Albeit, not very well; but he was trying so hard. I remember how much easier it was then, to get anything/everything done. Pick him up, move him into the room I was in, plunk him down and go about my business while he happily entertained himself with wooden spoons or tissue paper or just laying on his back/tummy/side staring at the wall/fan/stairs/vent. There was no crawling, no walking, no running, no tempter tantrums... but there was nightly breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, constant struggles with feeding ('why does he get hives every time he eats such-and-such??') and horrible eczema face and body rashes.

I remember thinking '... this is going to get so much easier when he can tell me what he wants.'

Me = Delusional. No doubt ;)

It's especially entertaining (more to myself then my readers I'm sure) that I say this:

"this has got to be my favorite age so far.. he's doing so many new things every day; its just a joy to be around him"

Hello! Are you retarded Jenny?? You say this EVERY SINGLE DAY. Stop saying this same sentence over and over. Everyone feels the same way. No shit he's doing new things every day! Big Whoop! Captain Obvious!

But in my defense, its true. He IS doing a million new things every day. Every day IS my favorite stage/age/day to be a part of his life. He IS a joy to be around; and a pain in the ass; and the light of my life; and someone I want to strangle; and someone I need to cuddle.

yesterday

I started this. It will be a security blanket for Liam based on one I found at Chapters.

The one from Chapters is here. When I first saw it, I thought "What a great idea! Its so tactile, soft and tiny. Its the perfect size and shape for a security blanket!" But at +$30 the price was so unreasonable, I couldn't justify spending that. Anyway, I thought to myself "Hey, self, you're handy. You could do this!" So I am! At work, my friend Joanna is teaching me a new stitch every day at lunch. Then, once I get the basic shape of the blanket, I'll be taking different cut out shapes of tactile fabrics and sewing them on top of the blanket - think Pizza crust with toppings. I'll attach tags of ribbon around the borders and crinkly yarn will wind throughout.

Once I've had some practice, I'll start crocheting blankets for Project Linus.

Poop for Dinner

Sunday we had my sister Bex over for Dinner after an interesting afternoon of running around, doing things I cover off over at the Team Daweski blog (email me for an invitation).

While Daweski was cooking dinner, Bex was sitting reading a parenting magazine at my kitchen table and Liam decided it was a great time to take a monster poop.

On the change table, he's been a big wiggle monster the last month, so we instituted a sticker reward system. "If you behave and sit still for your diaper change you'll get a sticker after!" Its been working great so far. Except for this particular diaper change because...

He was - literally - covered in mushy burgundy poop (from strawberries?). Liam could feel that it was smeared all his boy bits so (while wiggling like a maniac) he reached down and got a finger full of poop, then proceeded to smear it ALL OVER HIS LIPS. What follows is a transcript of the event (as far as I remember it);

Me: "ARRGGGGG!!!! He's trying to eat poop!!!"

Daweski: *runs in, grabs a wipe, starts working on Liam's hands while laughing*

Me: "Get his fingers! Get his lip! Did it go in his mouth? Oh god, he just ate poop. He just ate poop!"

Bex: (from the kitchen) *laughing*

Me: "Liam, please sit still while Mommy cleans your bum. Do you want a sticker? Sticker?"

Liam: "weeeee!!! up! up! wall! foot!"

Me: "A, B, C, D...." (sang the rest of the ABC song)

Liam: (calms down, starts listening intently, starts singing along the best he can)

We get him all cleaned up just as I'm finishing the song, I sing:

"Now I know my A-B-C's ----"

Daweski: (cuts me off) "Next time please don't eat feces!"

four for friday

1. What is your favorite charity? Do you you give your time or just money to that charity?

Project Linus - Blankets for Kid's without Blankets. When Liam was hospitalized in Feb.08 we went straight from the Dr's office to the hospital and right from emergency into a room. We didn't have any clothes with us and the blankets we brought had spit up on them and got stinky really fast. The nurses brought us a blanket from Project Linus and it was beautiful, soft white wool and liam loved it.

There is a lady at my office who crochets and we have a crochet date on Monday at lunch where I'm going to start my first project - a blanket for Liam. After I make the first blanket, I'll start making more and donating to Project Linus.

The only other charity I financially support is the United Way through my work, my donations are monetary. Until my separation, the donations were automatically deducted off my pay. After my separation when things got financially tight, I decided to give a one-off donation that covered the whole year.

2. Describe your bed. What side do you sleep on?

This is a funny question because I'm weird about the bed. It always has to be made in the morning and if its isn't, it will bug me all day. There is something I just love about crawling into a fully made bed at night before sleeping. The crispness of the sheets... I'm not sure. It just feels luxurious.

Its a king size pillow top bed and I sleep on the right (if you're laying down) or the left (if you're staring at it from the foot of the bed). It has a lime green dust ruffle and a dark brown fitted sheet over the bottom mattress. The bed is made with a fitted sheet, then a top sheet, then the duvet. Two pillows have shams, two small neck pillows are made of micro-fiber and there are two large 'rolled' pillows with tied ends. Then we each have our own pillow that we sleep on. I absolutely love my bed, it was very expensive and has a 25 year warranty. Daweski calls it the pillow bed because its like sleeping on a cloud.

3. Did your parents have a "birds & bees" talk with you? If so, at what age?

They sort of did. I was in Grade 4 when I learned about sex from my friend's house. Her dad had a dirty magazine that we found. I remember being very upset with the content in it. Up until that point I thought that babies were made when a man gave a woman a pill and she swallowed it. In the magazine there was a section where the woman was giving the guy head and the caption underneath said "Mmmm, it tastes like candy". At home, after that visit (before bed), I asked my mom if it was true the penis's tasted like candy. I remember her stopping at my door frame and looking at me with shock then saying "Where did you hear that?" She came to sit beside my bed. Some embarrassing pointed questions later and we were in the middle of "the talk". I don't think my Dad and I ever had the same kind of talk (thank goodness).

4. What is one thing someone could do to you to rock your world?

Put other people first. That always rocks my world.

one smart man

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

wordless wednesday

new blog

we've started a new blog!

send me an email at jennifer dot allison dot f at gmail dot com and ask to join.

i'll add you to the readership list and send you the link. then all you'll have to do is log in each time you want to read about the big changes going on in my life.

don't worry, TFOC will always be around. this just gives me a place to talk about some other issues without upsetting anyone else. see? private blogs. the bomb.

special treats

please join Jennerific (that's me!) in welcoming Sarah, our very first TFOC guest poster!

This article is contributed by Sarah Scrafford, who regularly writes on the topic of ultrasound technician schools. She invites your questions, comments and freelancing job inquiries at her email address: sarah.scrafford25@gmail.com.

Of Tantrums, Toddlers and Transgressions
A Mom’s Tale

There are numerous times when I wish I was single, footloose and fancy-free, and one of them is when my two-year-old throws a tantrum. Believe me, he can get really loud and extremely adamant when he decides to go into one of his horror moods. His dad is one lucky guy, cause my little one somehow seems to reserve his tantrum sessions just for me, when he’s away at work. And if I call him to vent my frustration, he proves me a liar by behaving like a perfect angel from the moment he walks in the door.

Adam throws tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants, and of late, he seems to want everything that he sets his eyes on. It’s the toughest job in the world to take my kids shopping (I also have a daughter who’s seven). While my elder one knows by now what I will and will not buy her, it’s a constant struggle to keep my toddler from picking up stuff and stuffing them under his arm, safe from my prying hands. Forcibly removing them leads to an all-out tantrum where he throws himself face down on the floor and bawls his heart out. I really wish I could crawl under a rock and remain there the rest of my life when I see the other mothers with angelic children shoot daggers at me, knives that twist in my heart and say, “Bad mom, bad mom.”
How do you prevent your kids from throwing tantrums? By buying them all that they ask for? Or is there some magic formula that other mothers use to keep their kids in line when they go shopping? Somehow, I seem to be the only mom who can’t control her kids when I take them out.

My frustration levels reached a new high when both my kids decided to act up when we visited the supermarket for groceries. Between them, they managed to pull down an entire section of cans and earned me disdainful looks as we were escorted out of the store. I was in a right and royal temper as I drove home, and by the time we were there, my kids had sobered down enough to realize that I was truly and genuinely upset.

I left them to their own devices, something I do very rarely, and began to prepare dinner. Very soon, I heard the pitter patter of little feet, and my two-year-old poked his head through the kitchen door with a heart-tugging “Mommy, we’re sorry”. He was followed by his sister, and they both insisted that I come up to their room for some reason. Once there, I was rendered speechless – my kids had drawn a card for me that proclaimed in loud, colorful letters, “We love you Mommy”. I didn’t have the heart to scold them, even though the writing was all on the wall!

Yes, kids can do that to you – make you alternate between intense joy and great anger; they can make you laugh and cry at the same time; and they can also make you tear your hair out in frustration even as they make you laugh out loud at their antics. It’s another matter that I had to stay up half the night to wash my walls clean, but one thing I do know for sure is that without my kids, my life would be totally meaningless!

who the what now?

my ex has a blog that he started in february. this blog, he claims, is to chronicle his life experiences, apparently both the good and the bad. so far its a lot of text about technology and DJ'ing and what a horrible person i am (mixed in with fact, fiction and speculation) with some dashes about our son thrown in as asides. that he loves his son i don't doubt for a second.

but i stopped reading it.

i made the conscious choice not to read it because i can't see it serving any other purpose than to stir the fire, cause shit, create ill-will and argue his side of the story. which is he entitled to do. writing - i'll be the first to admit - is cathartic, empowering and helpful in sorting out emotions, events and chronically a person's point of view about the events they feel in and out of control regarding their personal life. still, given a choice, i choose not to read it.

there are some people who are close to me that found it and have begun to read it. while i'm trying to stay clear of it, they keep emailing me tidbits, which brings it to my attention.

there are some things that i feel compelled to clear up.

1. my ex is the father of my son, speaking ill of him to me is not something i will ever be okay with. i understand you are trying to show me your support, but it has the opposite effect on me. it makes me angry with you because it provokes me to defend him. not a position i ever want to be put in.

2. i don't care what he is writing about. he can write whatever he desires and i will always know the truth of what happened, what is happening and what (hopefully) will happen. my friends and family have and will continue to stand by my side.

3. i am not angry. i am indifferent. his posts - the ones i get forwarded - make me feel bad for him, not mad at him, just sorry that he is still stuck on hating me. they make me sad that he thinks other people actually care what happens in our stupid little fights. who cares? honestly, who really cares?

4. i do not hate my ex. i do not love my ex. at one point in time i did love him and then i did hate him. right now, its neither. it would be nice if he went away forever, but since he won't, i'll have to settle with hoping he'll calm down. either way, i feel nothing about him because he is nothing to me.

i fully, completely and publicly abjure my ex and any emotional hold he had on me.

please don't send me his blog entries, or email me your opinions or thoughts on anything he writes. help me forgive and forget by leaving well enough alone. let him have his blog and his posts and his feelings. whatever helps him move on is good. if this helps him move on then i am happy for it.

urban dictionary

1. jenny
   
2. christopher
   
3. liam
4. promosexual 

what does the urban dictionary say about your name?

stop, start

daweski told me a story about his dad. he had it pretty rough from his dad when he was a child. during his teen years he didn't see his father for a long time. daweski spent years hating his dad from afar. plotting revenge. suffering over the 'injustices' his dad caused him. blaming his dad for the way his life had turned out, blaming his dad for every bad decision he made, for every wrong turn and rotten choice that led him to where he was. 

one day - years later (years he would never get back) - he made peace with his dad. when he did, he learned that all the time he spent hating his dad, his dad had no clue that his son hated him.

his dad had no idea that daweski hated him. his dad didn't spend his days obsessing over the fact that daweski was mad. his dad didn't spend one second wondering how he could make it up to him. his dad had no idea that daweski was spending all this time and expelling all this energy toward hating on him from afar.

all those years. all that wasted hate. the only person who suffered from hating his dad was daweski. his dad sure didn't suffer, how could he since he didn't even know? the only person who was harmed through the hate was the person who did the hating. 

the moral of this story?

make peace with yesterday. live for today. make plans to have a happy future. 

stop hating. start forgiving. take responsibility for your choices and actions. they are yours and yours alone. 

why didn't anyone tell me?

why didn't anyone warn me how difficult it would be to parent my child when i'm sick? no one warned me. shame on all of you. shame on you!

the last 4 days have been brutal. there is a cold/flu going around ottawa, being passed from daycare to school to home to office to office to office. anyone with kids gets it first, then brings it to work and from there, infects everyone else. it doesn't really matter though, this cold/flu is passing around like broken telephone with different variations smacking down different people through random symptoms. 

fever? check. balloon head? check. razor blade sore throat? check. pounding headache? check. 

then, a few days later... running nose? check. watery eyes? check. deep chest cough? check (and in my case since i already suffer from clumsiness) vertigo? check. still fever? check. 

this is the kind of cold/flu that makes it difficult to sleep no matter how much Nyquil i guzzle before bed. its the kind of cold/flu that has one rubbing the tip of their nose raw and red because it never quite feels dry. its the kind of cold/flu that totally curbs the appetite (except for nacho cheese doritos, which i could eat anytime, anywhere). its the kind of cold/flu that strikes and it doesn't matter how many kids you're parenting or how many proposals are due at the office; the only thing you are good for is laying in bed and moaning and begging your daweski to bring you soup (which he does and its yummy and you eat it all) then go back to sleep.

this week has been especially hard because we all have it. every single one of us. the only difference being that liam (in all his toddler glory) is enthralled with the world and while he hasn't had a fever since last weekend, he is definitely sick but still able to attend daycare, which he gleefully does with relish. he loves the kids and they are a great distraction for him. 

i guess if i had a bunch of party people playing around me i might not wallow in my symptoms as much either. but i don't. so i do. 

boo to that

now i'm sick too. woke up feeling out-of-sorts. as the day progresses my throat hurts, my nose runs, i am cold then hot then cold; grumpy, tired, head-achy.

NUTS! i knew my good health streak was too good to be true. darn kids and their dumb germs.

vocabulary explosion

lets play a game! these are words in Liamese. how many can you guess right?

(Englishese in the comments section)

durdle
tair
nie nie
boddle
aie
nos
mmm...th
cheeo
aber ( agua )
dut / dup
biphsss
elmo (yeah, this is one to be really proud of...)
druk
car
door
dir'D
up
down
ler'der
dan cho
mo
nana
mama
papa or dada

*******************
at the restaurant this weekend, liam showed a preference for sticking out his tongue.



















saturday he was acting funny and seemed warm so i took his temperature and it was 101.6. runny nose, watery eyes, took two naps; diagnosis: head cold.

before his second nap we took him outside to play at the park. daweski warned me the park would be too frozen to play at but i didn't believe him. it was. so instead we went for a long walk.

at first liam was running, jumping, throwing rocks, trying to pick up mud. then as we were rounding the bend for home he sort of gave up and hunched over on the spot. he was winded and tired. daweski literally picked up the slack.



















today the fever is gone and he's acting almost normal. except for the 4am wake up due to (what i can only assume) was a bad dream, he's been sleeping in until 7am which has been wonderful.

on friday he came home from daycare, picked up the remote with one hand, grabbed a CD (of dora the explorer) with the other. he pointed the remote at the TV, held out the CD to me and said "Elmo." i shook my head no, "we don't have Elmo here liam" to which he replied "ELMO!!" distractionary measures were put in place and Elmo was gone from his mind. until the next day when he grabbed the remote and did the same thing again.

i caved yesterday (sunday) and went to Wallmart and bought 2 Elmo's Word videos, which we decided in a whispered discussion over liam's head where we spelled out "e-l-m-o" a lot (just in case the video's weren't in stock).

Elmo is a hell of a lot better for him to watch than Yo Gabba Gabba. but, i have to admit, mommy enjoys Yo Gabba Gabba a hell of a lot more.

fourteen for friday

(1) Will you answer every question honestly?
yes.

(2) Have you ever stayed up all night while drunk or high?
yes to both but not in a very long time (pre liam). okay that was a lie. i stayed up almost all night in Montreal for Meghan's bachelorette party.

(3) Have you ever punched anyone in the face?
no but i've really wanted to and you know who you are. if i could punch you in the face i would!

(4) Do you miss anything or anyone?
yes i miss my family (that live far away) every single day. hi kim, hi mom. i miss you

(5) What makes you laugh no matter what?
"too much smell!"
"walking the dog"

(6) Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past five hours?
yes

(7) Who was the last person you talked to?
daweski

(8) What do you dislike at the moment?
the roof repair starting at 6am on my building. otherwise there is nothing to dislike about my life. its pretty amazing right now

(9) Name one person on your top friends who is the most like you?
meghan

(10) Do you get butterflies around the guys/girls you like?
yes! and i'm still getting them every day which is amazing

(11) Do you think it is bad to have sex at your age?
no why would sex be bad at my age? (maybe this survey was for 13 year olds)

(12) Will you get married?
yes, probably sooner than anyone is anticipating. so get prepared!

(13) Will you be having sex in the near future?
you bet

(14) Do you lie about your age?
no need, at 31 i still get carded at the beer and liquor store

you like me for breakfast

my site stats say that most of you (between 200 - 1000 on any given day) like me most at breakfast time. your favorite times to 'check in'? 8am, 2pm and 8pm.

which means this:

8am - you are at work and are wasting time checking my blog instead of working. shame on you, get back to work! (i know... cinderella... cinderella...)

2pm - your child is napping (finally!) and you are checking my blog instead of doing the dishes/laundry/sweeping/dinner/taking a nap for yourself.

8pm - your child is in bed (finally!) and you are checking my blog instead of cleaning or sexing it up with your 'partner' (btw that has got to be the dumbest label. its even worse than SO).

which of those times do you fall into?

cheo & the flu

the sickness Liam had last week turned out to be nothing more than another viral flu. he was tested for UTI which came back negative and was clear of any other infections (including ear, which he's yet to have - knock on wood!). he is feeling much better and the fever is gone.

as for CHEO... urg...

the gastroenteritis specialist appointment was approximately 8 months to get in to, since there are only 4 doctors with the qualifications in CHEO. she noticed 3 things about Liam:

1. he has a skin condition called Derma-something-or-other-your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine. ever since Liam was born he's had extreme skin reactions to anything and everything. for example, if he rubs his face against the edge of a plastic toy truck he will have an immediate reaction in the form of a red streak or raised bumps. this skin condition is what causes him to appear to have allergic reactions to anything, even a dog licking him will cause his skin to redden and inflame. this condition isn't something that is ever going to go away. nor will he outgrow it or become desensitized to it. there is no treatment and there are no side-effects; he does not feel pain or itching associated with the reaction. there is nothing we can do about it. but knowing that it has a name (which mommy can't remember or pronounce) makes us feel better.

2. the first thing the specialist noticed was that his belly is a bit distended. think Ethiopian style baby bellies that are bloated from disease. she believes - because it was impossible to physically examine his stomach/intestines because he freaked out and screamed - that he is not voiding his bowels properly. she showed me a chart with various pictures of 'poop styles' (funny i know, right?) and had me pick the 2 that i see most frequently. these poops i picked both fall into the range of 'constipation poop'. this isn't really a surprise since Liam had a lot of constipation when he was under 6 months old (remember the constipated from breast milk saga? yeah. don't tell me they can't get constipated from breast milk because this specialist confirmed it). after his allergy testing she will probably perform an endoscopy (??) to see what is going on 'up in there'. in the meantime we have to really push the fiber rich foods which is a bit of a challenge because...

3. a lot of fiber rich foods have whole grains in them, which the body can't digest and absorb water which allows the poop to be softer as it passes through the gastro tract. liam can't eat whole grains. for the longest time we thought he had celiac disease (which runs in my family) because every time he ate something with wheat he would have a full-body reaction wherein he broke out in monstrous hives (head to toe). for the last 8 or 9 months Liam has been on a strict celiac diet. the specialist has referred us to an Allergist where he will be tested for the highly allergic foods such as wheat, gluten, eggs, nuts, shell fish, etc. the specialist suspects that Liam is one of the very few, completely and totally allergic to wheat kids she's seen. the specialist believes that when it comes time to test for celiac we won't be able to because having Liam eat 2 pieces of toast per day for 3 weeks would be torture on his system. the specialist believes that we are doing the right thing keeping him on the celiac diet and that we should continue to do so until after we see the Allergist.

i left this appointment feeling knowledgeable and confused. we learned new things about liam's condition (whatever that is) and, essentially, we got some answers (the knowledge part). but the answers we received raised more questions such as 'what the heck is really going on with liam's skin/tummy/digestive track??' (the confused part). she left me with the following words of advice (of which i am paraphrasing obviously...):

"i know you came in here today expecting to see an Allergist and got me instead. i know that we told you a lot of information and raised a lot of questions without actually giving you useful information or answering any of your original questions. after you see the Allergist you will come back to see me. if need be, we'll run the tests on the digestive tract to find out what - if anything - is wrong and how we can fix it. i am very confident that in time Liam will outgrow the allergy to wheat. in the meantime, stay the course you're on because he's obviously thriving with his height in the 95th percentile and his weight in the 85th."

there you have it! we know more, we know less, we know something, we know nothing

ick

while liam was sick it was a challenge to get him to eat anything. i tried grapes. this is what he thought of the grapes ...



















then i tried pretzels. this is what he thought of the pretzels ...



















he would not drink his milk and i don't know if he's back drinking it or not because there is some lack of communication going on. guess those who aren't communicating think its not important. i'm just his mom after all. what do i know? why should i be informed? really, i'm pretty low on the chain of command. no, its okay, i understand.

so, while i took another 2 days off work (i'm pissed about that and just wrote a very laced paragraph which was too angry to display on my blog so i deleted it) liam's CHEO appointment with the Gastroentologist landed on the friday morning. originally we thought it was with the Allergist. nope!

like i said, liam was sick. whenever his fever spikes the doctors have us take a urine sample because of his previous history of hospitalizion due to a UTI that backed up into (and infected) his kidneys. have you ever tried to slap a urine collection bag on a toddler? its almost impossible, especially because you have to squish the twig and berries into this little opening covered with gluey stickiness. he was not a pleased little boy.

the first urine collection bag he crapped on. since it had no urine in it i discarded the bag.

the second urine collection bag fell off and the urine collected in the diaper. awesome.

the third urine collection bag he ripped off just after it was put on.

warning: i am about to say crap/feces more than any person in the history of the world. you've been warned!!

the fourth urine collection bag he crapped on. not in, ON. as in, all over. only this bag had urine in it. urine i urgently needed to run to the lab. so i had to touch the crap to get it off his twig and berries. he decided he didn't like that so he rammed his hands down in between his legs and grabbed a handful of feces. which he waved around, getting it on his face. then he slammed his shoe into his diaper and covered his sole in feces. then he traced a pattern on the table with his poop.

by this time i have feces all over my hands and a bit on my shirt. i get him cleaned up, clean up the table he's smeared crap all over. clean up his shoe, wash his hands in soapy water (which he loved, getting to stand on a stool like a big boy and all) and then tackle the urine collection bag.

the opening of the bag is covered in crap. great. to get the urine out i would have to contaminate it with feces. wonderful!! so what do i do? i grab my earring (urine is sterile right?), poke a hole in the bottom of the bag and squeeze the stream of urine into the collection cup while trying not to touch more feces than i logically need to. by this time i am hovering between vomiting and crying. liam is the only reason i didn't do either.

the only reason.

after that episode, he was easy to entertain in the waiting room.




















after we got home he had a nap. then he decided it would be fun to try on daweski's trucker hats. luckily my cell was close by and i snapped a shot.



















then i tried to do some dishes because the house was a wreck (right? sick kid = messy house) and liam found my meatloaf pan, which is made from BPA free flexible plastic. he tried to climb inside it.



















he wouldn't fit. so he settled for standing in it instead.



















yes i'm aware i skipped over the whole CHEO appointment and what we learned and why was he sick and what happened?? people, cut me some slack! there is only so much information a mom can relay in one day. CHEO update-post to follow shortly. peace out!

another sick day

this makes sick days 4 and 5 since january. violent fever 2 in less than 2 months. 

love it

Reese Witherspoon in Elle Magazine

“You see a lot of people play this blame game. Blame, blame, blame. You know? And it’s a really easy thing to do, and I’m certainly guilty of it. [You have to] look at yourself and go, ‘What part of this do I need to own? Which part of this is my responsibility? And that’s the painful work that you have to go through to hopefully get some real life knowledge out of it.”

in therapy (yes i have a therapist and we've been seeing each other for something like 5 years, twice a month for 45 minutes) we talk about this topic all the time. blame. confronting my own role in the demise of my marriage keeps me focused on accepting responsibility, acknowledging that i'm not perfect and learning ways to continue being honest with myself so i don't make the same mistakes again.

i spend a lot of time during the sessions in tears and usually leave feeling completely exhausted. but every week it gets a little better and one day, hopefully, i can forgive myself for the mistakes i made along the way.

lemonade award

its been more in the last week that people have asked me "why do you continue blogging given what you're going through?" and to those people i have consistently said "because i have done nothing wrong, am not ashamed of who i am and am proud of the life i am trying to build" and i also say "because it makes me money and i don't have time for a second job" (and by me, i actually mean liam because all the profits from this blog go into a bank account for his education) awe i know, right? i'm a good momma (or at least i am trying very hard to be).

every now and then, in my darker moments, i can't help but wonder if these people are right. if i should still be blogging... if, by blogging, i'm not adding flames to the fire. cannon to the fodder. press to the CNN news reel that is my drama-life.

then, just when i've made the choice to delete my blog and call it a day, someone comes along who tickles me right in the back of the knees and makes me laugh and i remember why it is that i LOVE to do this.

my readers. i do this because i love my readers and have the best, most intelligent, prettiest, sweetest readers a lame canadian blogger with fake boobs could ever have. i love interacting with you, reading your comments, building friendships with people who live thousands on thousands of miles away, reading about your own lives, twittering with you. i just love everything about all of my readers.

like Never Clever, who gave me a blog award called

The Lemonade Stand:

according to her sassy post:

This award is for those who use the lemons in their lives to make lemonade, or who help do the same for others.

wow.

my girl - Never Clever - there is absolutely no way you could've known just how shitty my day was or how much i needed an emotional boost. its small acts like yours that prove to me god is watching over me and that i am never (no matter how much it feels like it) alone in any of this. thanks for bigging me up when i needed it the most xoxo

dinosaur museum

happy 18 months old today mr. liam!!

sundays are the days we take liam out exploring. museums, parks, beaches, anywhere that will spark his little brain, cause him massive strokes of excitement and wear him out for a smokin' long nap.

today we opted for the museum of natural history aka. the dinosaur museum. we did the bird wing first where liam ran so fast toward this machine that he tripped on his shoes and face-planted. he was fine after. fine enough to push buttons. 

i decided to help. 

then we listened to some birds singing and tried to record our own bird song to match. it didn't work. don't know if the machine was broken or mommies brain was broken but something was broken. 

alert! cute baby shot ahead...

daweski decided to play with liam in the 'bird hospital'. 

then in typical boy fashion they both decided to touch shiny things. 

liam decided, on the way home, that he would rather nap than stay awake for lunch. so that is what he's doing right now. napping. instead of lunch. anyone want to bet i'm going to have a very hungry, very cranky toddler on my hands in about - say - 1 hour? 

oh yeah, we're all not feeling well from something. it might have been the expired milk i served us. or it might be the flu going around. i'm crossing my fingers its the milk and not the flu mixed with the milk because that would be white and curdled and bad.